Watching Elephants

I was watching a TV show today where someone was dying, and they were in the afterlife being convinced by others already dead to stay alive. The person dying said 'I used to have intimacy issues - do you know how stupid that seems now?' And it made me think about how we always say that serious illness or death puts 'things in perspective'. Or that 'Life is short' and we should make the most of it. Now don't get me wrong - I'm not dying or sick.

But the question for me is ok - life is short - but what exactly does that mean? Does it mean I should enjoy the life I have now and truly make the most of it? Or does it mean I should drop everything and go out and do the things I've dreamed of? Should I enjoy the day-to-day life of friends, family, work etc or should I drop everything and head off to Africa to see mountain gorillas and hang with elephants?

It comes back to my question - what is the life I imagined? And how do I get it?

I have a country song that I love called 'Life like you were Dying'. Sounds so simple in a catchy song, but we all know it's not. If you're not dying you can't fritter away savings, ignore your superannuation balance, eat what you want and ignore your health. In short, you can't run off to Africa and hang with the elephants! Well, you can for a while, and to be honest that's what my twenties were all about - no serious job, no thoughts of anything beyond the next day or month, and definitely no thoughts of the superannuation balance. And I did spend lots of time hanging with elephants!

But that changed in my late twenties - because I felt the need to stop, get some stability, save some money. So for almost 10 years that's what I've done. But now I'm not so sure what's next. Do I just want to run back to Africa to get back that feeling of freedom from my youth? Is it really what I dream of doing, or just an attempt to regain a time in my life when I knew exactly what I wanted and went out and got it?

I feel like I'm getting closer to answers ... and I feel like this blog is helping. But I think my next post might need to be more lighthearted!

Missing out or missing 'it'?

Each Monday I go to work. Each evening I come home, watch TV, eat dinner, sometimes read a book and go to bed. Each weekend I clean the house, catch up with friends, maybe do some shopping and then Sunday night rolls around and I start the week again.

I enjoy each individual part of that life. Work is fulfilling and I'm paid really well, I love my friends, my family is happy & healthy, I have dogs I love, I have a lovely boy who's committed to me, and I am happy with where I live.

So why, when they are put together as a whole, do I feel like there's something missing? I have all the things that should mean a happy, fulfilled life. So why isn't it?

I believe strongly that happiness is not about having what you love, but loving what you have. But that idea doesn't seem to be borne out in my day-to-day thoughts. I have looked to fill my life with things I enjoy and have moved from one hobby to the next in search of something that fulfils me. But no luck yet. I keep looking for what might be the key - perhaps buying a home of my own and not renting? Perhaps moving to a new town? Maybe it's my relationship that's making me unhappy? What if I did more travel? Occasionally the thoughts are fleeting and I know deep down they're not the issue. Other ones roll around in my head for days or weeks, or surface every couple of months. But none of them really scream out to me and say - this is it - this is what is the key. I know they're just like the new TV, or new computer, or new clothes, or new mobile phone that I always lust after and think they will be the most wonderful thing ever - until I have them, and after a few days or a week of enjoying them they just become part of life and before long I'm lusting after something new. It seems like I'm in a circle of upgrades, of trade-ins, of seeking the new and shiny and none of it fills the gap.

I know, or at least I pretend to know, that I should be happy with what I have. Stop lusting after what I don't have and focus on what I do. Think of all the people that have less and appreciate that I am one of the 'lucky ones'. So why is that so hard to actually do?

Have I fallen into the Western lifestyle tragedy that means that without new, shiny, exciting I somehow feel like I'm missing out? And more importantly - if that's true - how the hell do I snap out of it?

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams ...

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams,
Live the life you've imagined.
Henry Thoreau

I have seen this quote a few times over the years, but it's not until recently that a friend said it to me and it really resonated.

The reason it resonated is because I stopped and realised - I have no idea what life I've imagined. I used to have a clear vision for my life - in my high school years it was to go to uni and be a zoologist. During uni it was to travel to Africa and have adventures. After returning to Australia after years overseas it was to find a job, and earn some money. After a year of earning money I wanted to find someone to share my life with.

I now have, or have done, everything I imagined for my life. But I seem to have forgotten to imagine anything past 3o. So now I'm here, and I'm lost.

So this blog is to help me re-imagine a new life for myself and then start to live it.